Adults with ADHD and Relationships, a brief and hopeful primer.

Adults with ADHD have significant difficulties with sustained, positive relationships. The same ADHD symptoms that impact our daily lives at work or school also significantly impact our relationships.

Some adults with ADHD never completely experience positive, long-term, and enjoyable relationships. Instead, we go through life with short, intermittent relationships that never last long enough to become intimate. At the same time, our non-ADHD friends and partners feel frustrated, tired, and alone in their attempts to engage those of us with ADHD.

ADHD can add immense complications to managing a solid relationship. For our non-ADHD partners, it must feel like a daily chore to get us involved and keep us focused. At some points, our non-ADHD partners probably feel like they’re alone in making all the effort to keep the relationship active.  The idea of adults with ADHD and relationships can sometimes feel like contradictory terms, not meant to work well together.

For us adults with ADHD and relationships, it can feel like we’ll never be able to make our partners happy. We can feel ashamed by our lack of ability to keep up with our partners. We may also feel afraid that we might lose the ones we love the most because we struggle with everyday life at any moment.

ADHD Emotional Permanence and Object Constancy Theory

Beyond the annoyance of our everyday ADHD symptoms, we also exhibit difficulties with what psychoanalysts call Object Relations. The Object Relations Theory describes how we learn to define ourselves internally and relate ourselves to others (de Almeida Silva, Louzã Neto, Almeida, Nakano 2012). The “object” refers to someone else, and the “relations” refers to how we view ourselves in relation to the “object” (Conway, 2012).

These Object Relations shape how we interact and react with the outside world (Shifrin, 2012). More specific to Adults with ADHD and relationships, there is the closely related psychoanalytic idea of Object Constancy and Emotional Permanence.

The psychoanalytical model of Object Constancy is similar to the early developmental ability of Object Permanence (Horne, Angers 2021). Object Permanence refers to an infant’s developmental ability to understand that a physical object still exists, even though the Object is out of the immediate sight of the infant (Piaget, 1971). While Object Permanency refers to physical objects, Object Constancy refers to internalized relationships with other people (Horne, Angers 2021).

With Object Constancy, the Object represents our internal understanding of our relationship with someone else. Although Object Permanence may primarily be a developmental stage of infants, Object Constancy can start developing in children and continue development throughout adulthood.

Issues with Object Relations in adults with ADHD can cause severe problems related to relationships with others. Often, the outcome for adults with ADHD is the inability to start and maintain meaningful relationships.

Building Successful Relationships

Given all the data on ADHD and relationships, how can we develop a successful relationship with an ADHD partner? I think the first step is learning about ADHD. In this step, both partners should actively take a step towards fully understanding ADHD.  To create sustainable and meaningful progress, both partners must have an understanding of ADHD and relationships.  That shared understanding becomes the core of a shared solution.

The next step for adults with ADHD and relationship building is open communication. We need to honestly communicate openly, regardless of how hard it may be to reveal our true feelings and issues. Knowing a bit about ADHD and how your partner feels can create a solid platform to begin to understand each other. Understanding also increases intimacy. So, the fear of vulnerability can be tempered with the hope of increased intimacy.

In some cases, open communication may involve couples therapy. There is nothing wrong with seeking therapy. It demonstrates to each other a commitment to mending and sustaining the relationship. Seeking therapy also confirms the value of the relationship, that each partner wants the same positive outcome.

A shared expectation of compromise is the next goal with ADHD and relationships. Compromise doesn’t need to involve losing something to gain something. It can be a positive and trust-building experience to work together to find ways to help each other. Adults with ADHD and relationships can be a win-win.

Sources

1.de Almeida Silva V, Louzã MR, da Silva MA, Nakano EY. Ego Defense Mechanisms and Types of Object Relations in Adults With ADHD. J Atten Disord. 2016 Nov;20(11):979-987. doi: 10.1177/1087054712459559. Epub 2012 Sep 24. PMID: 23012696.
2. Corrina Horne, and medically reviewed by Laura Angers. What Is Object Constancy And Emotional Permanence? And How Does It Affect People? Retrieved online from www.betterhelp.com.
3. Conway F. Psychodynamic psychotherapy of ADHD: a review of the literature. Psychotherapy (Chic). 2012 Sep;49(3):404-17. doi: 10.1037/a0027344. Epub 2012 Mar 26. PMID: 22448924.
4. Dissertations & Theses
Do They See What I See: The Object Relational World of Children with ADHD
Shifrin, Maria.Adelphi University, The Institute of Advanced Psychological Studies, ProQuest Dissertations Publishing, 2013.
4. Piaget, J. (1971). The theory of stages in cognitive development. In D. R. Green, M. P. Ford, & G. B. Flamer, Measurement and Piaget. McGraw-Hill.